When my partner died it was like someone had pulled the carpet out from underneath my feet and then stamped on my head!, I had known it was coming but my mind had somehow glossed over this fact and our idyllic little life that we had nurtured crumbled to dust.
His mother joked that there should be a manual for people after someone dies with bullet points on what to do and who to speak to - I did most of the planning of the funeral in a haze with my mother in law and friends who'd experienced loss also - my palliative care team were glacial with their support following his death and sent me all the relevant information nearly a month after he'd died which was about as useful as a dart in a bubble bath.
I wish there had been a continuing mantra of you can do it and its all horrible but you will be ok!!!! throughout the documentation that had been sent, there wasn't
Grief - we all experience it differently and cope with it in equal measures in our own special way.
How best to describe it?? Now that is the toughie
Some days it feels like a wet blanket has been draped over me - preventing movement and stifling emotions and energy.
At its worse it feels like I've been flayed alive and all my nerve endings are exposed and raw and screaming in agony and then someone asks how he died or how I am and it feels like I've had salt rubbed all over me and the ensuing pain that goes with that follows.
One thing I've learn't - nearly everyone says sorry when you tell them your partner is dead, the other thing I've learn't is that they laugh really hard when you tell that not to apologise because they were not the one's with the pillow over their partner's face!!! I am of course joking but that one sentence explaining why I do not work - because one of the first things people ask you is "what do you do?" and you can have to answer "widow 6 months in the making!" can cause so much social anxiety that I feel it necessary to joke about it or behave as though I am very glib about the situation and I can positively assure you than I am anything but glib about my current situation or the love of my life's passing!
If I seem over-talkative during social situations, its because the only things I have for company now are a tailors dummy named after my grief counselor from Cruse, which I have to keep getting moving as her disembodied torso can sometimes momentarily freak me out, and a dog I borrow on occasion who is a beautiful distraction and who sometimes I think is the only creature in this world who genuinely loves me unconditionally (and then I remember I have marrow bones in my pocket with him most of the time) - neither of these answer me back which sometimes suits me but I miss having someone with me and the whole non verbal communication that comes with being with someone for a really long time.
The sound of silence plagued by a noisy fridge and tinnitus can be deafening sometimes.
Rx
